I had never been in awe of a man before.
Never nervous about his body looking better than mine before we lay down to enjoy one another,
but this man made me nervous.
Body gifted from the Gods,
Africa ran through his blood crafting veins that stretched down his arms
reaching to his fingertips that touched my lips and
made me crave my ancestors land like never before.
Reminded me that my history is not Slavery.
Reminded me that my people were Kings and Queens and he was the proof.
I could feel my heart beating out of my chest; my stomach nauseous with anxiety.
He was no boy this was man.
He exuberated a confidence that I have never seen in the Black men I have dated before.
His stature was grand inciting a dwarfing insecurity within me.
I felt protected, but threatened at the same time and he knew it.
He liked it.
Why do men find such pleasure in this?
And yet, I am attracted to his pleasure in my insecurity.
The simple fact that he knows I cannot defend myself against him excites me.
His size towers over me, his weight, his height, the depth of his voice, the stride in his step, the kinks in his hair, and the volume of his lips.
How he grips my leg.
They all fill me up with fear, excitement, attraction, submission, and desire.
I’ve never been with someone who gives me so much control when in fact he has so much power.
Is that why he gives me so much control or does he not wish to long for me?
I want him to find comfort in my presence.
I want him to need me.
Desire the smell of my skin. Desire gripping my thighs with his hands.
I want him to crave it.
How do I become your addiction?
Your sense of control is my nemesis. How you refuse to falter.
I want you to need to have me wrapped in your arms to restore your sanity.
In order to ease the shaking of your thoughts and relax the muscles tightened by anxiety.
Let me be your morphine.
I need to be the feeling when you exhale.
That relief escaping from your lungs that puts your mind at ease.
I am seeking love, but keep finding a lustful addiction.
I want to become the stronghold on your heart that makes you lose your conviction, then make you question how you lost it.
Only tracing back to me as the point of origin when I am already gone.
Get so drunk off me, that my scent from your pillow makes you hurl.
Flinging yourself into a fury of confusion and torment.
So take in my desire for your presence as I lay naked before you.
Pin my hands behind my head so that I can fall victim to your tongue, laying blessings upon my body as you kiss my inner thigh sending shivers up my spine.
The hairs on my stomach electrify as your breath passes up and down my body.
I exhale with a whimper unknowingly. Your patience is killing me.
I don’t know how to react to this pleasure.
Hands still pinned down, I felt vulnerable like a child giving me no choice but to trust you.
Exposing myself to your primal desires I assumed position.
It happened so quickly making the power you have over me ever clearer.
Reaching your arms up my lower back propped me up to your mouth and drank from me.
I have never succumb so quickly.
Melted right there in your arms, my body became one with yours.
My train of thought was lost to you.
Had your tongue always been so thick, so long, that it could fuck me on its own?
I couldn’t feel anything else, but felt everything at the same time.
Every touch, kiss, graze of my skin led me closer to climax.
Gasping for control again, I begged you to fuck me.
Tightening my legs around your back you were reluctant. I had you, right where I wanted you; inside me.
The tables had turned, making figure 8’s with my tongue up your neck, I decided to be kind.
Squeezing my walls around your shaft you began to pump faster.
Your fight was about to be over.
With unbreakable composure you kept going.
Lost for words my confidence dropped.
I felt your eyes on me reading my face with surprise.
You thought I would give up so easy you said.
Smiling, you turned me over on my knees as you put your hand on my back to curve my spine.
Reaching under me you felt my heart beating.
Placed a pillow there to comfort me.
Legs spread throbbing, center waiting for more.
You kissed it again.
From front to back your mouth blessed me and I crumpled.
Grabbing my waist you lifted me back up to position and began to go to work.
Reaching your arms up to my head you pulled.
Making my arch evermore present making each stroke even more potent.
I could be nothing but submissive in this position, obeying your every command.
Eyes rolled back in my head, I was lost, he had me.
I had to give up this fight for another time.
When I finally let go of my desire to control.
Hair pulled back you lean over me whispering in my ear.
That you admire me, respect me.
I smile to myself. I know how hard it was for you to say that.
Then you begin to fuck me furiously.
Angry at yourself for admitting what may seem too much as so little, but to me it is everything.
Knowing that I could maybe only try to see you in my life, but I respect you, and wholly admire you.
Black Cat* wrote this article for Flux, an online forum for those of us encountering adulthood.
*A pen-name, as this piece was submitted anonymously.